It feels pretty weird that I can now say I'm in my twenties. I'll be saying that for 10 years! I know that I turned 20 more than a little while ago (my half birthday was less than two weeks ago actually), but it's still a pretty monumental event. So, in celebration, I thought it would be fun to share some of the things that I learned during my years as a teenager in classic mushy-gushy Chloe style. I was a teenager for seven years, so here are my seven lessons.
The biggest lesson I learned was probably that my lifelong, unrelenting feeling of never fitting in actually serves a purpose. That was so type 4 of me I'm so sorry. During my senior year of high school, I was working on my portfolio for creative writing and listening to one of my Bethany Dillon CDs. (Definitely check her out, I love her). It is fairly important to note that my project was related to Narnia, which is a detail I actually just now realized. I was kind of zoned out as I sketched, but the last line of one of the the songs caught my attention: "I've always known this wasn't home." I knew I had to replay it. Long story short, 10 minutes later, I was crying my eyes out and my mom was really frustrated because they had to wait for me before we could all eat dinner. As followers of Christ, we are foreigners on earth. So it was like, all of a sudden, everything made sense: how ostracized I felt, the time I cried myself to sleep because of loneliness, all the times I felt a punch in the gut because my friends made plans and didn't invite me. Even though these things weren't world-ending, they felt like a reflection on me and I didn't know how to fix myself. Surprise! I don't need to fix myself. These feelings are all just reminders that my home is in Heaven. It's why Ecclesiastes 3:11 ("He has set eternity in their hearts") has such a deep, inexplicably important meaning to me. It's why I've been obsessed with Narnia and the idea that we have a greater destiny elsewhere since before I could understand the Gospel. This truth has brought so much beauty from pain in the last four years. I've learned how much I love my sister. She truly is my best friend (she also hates gushy stuff hehe), and I am so appreciative of how much she puts up with my crap, my endless talks about Marvel, and how much she supports my creativity. She is the smartest, funniest person I know. She is persistent and self-disciplined and has literally had to do physical therapy for, like, seven years and doesn't skip any days, even if it means she has to give up all her free time at summer camp. She's gone through way more than I did when I was her age and has handled it way better than I would have. I realized what I want to do with my life, and in turn, have had to figure out what it means to be in the world and not of it because wow guys, the fashion industry is a broken and hurting place. I learned that it's possible for a guy to be the right guy, just not for you, and that breaking things off doesn't make you a monster. Or (as my mother said), for the guy to be the wrong size of the perfect shoe. I learned how much I value kindness in a man, and that it's not selfish or snobby to have the self-respect to know that I deserve a heck of a lot. I have also started looking at this "perfect shoe" thing in reverse, and I consciously tell myself that I am somebody's perfect woman, I just haven't met him yet. Or have I???? (husband where you at?) Side note: this ties my job and my love life together, but I am so excited to write and live in a city and wear fancy dresses, and I have never been more satisfied with my life. I definitely have a deep, feeling-beyond-words-bring-tears-to-my-eyes desire to get married, but the reality that it may not happen until later than I've always wanted no longer terrifies or depresses me. That is very liberating. I learned that grief does not come as you may expect, because grief cannot be boxed into any one definition. When my grandpa died, I sobbed every night in the shower, but was totally fine the rest of the time. Even though I was emotionless at his visitation, I still stand by my opinion that that night was the closest to Hell I've ever experienced. True beauty has come from his death in the form of me spending more time than ever with my grandma, who is a ROCK STAR and I love her. I am tied with my cousin Josh for most literary and historical grandchild, and my grandma just gave me my grandfather's old copy of Jane Eyre at New Year's. I almost cried. I cannot wait to read it when I get back to North Carolina. It took me literally five months to tackle the balance between God being good and terrible things still happening in the world. I'm not saying I understand it because I will never understand it. I'm saying that I'm at a point where I can admit that they're both true. Hurricane Michael last season destroyed a ton of my family's belongings and has proved to be a terrible inconvenience. When my housemate got diagnosed with brain cancer sophomore year, I was suddenly faced with the difficult reality of my God telling me that He keeps His promises of life and victory, and yet we still had to see her go through treatment and all its ramifications. This whole phase of life without a DOUBT brought me and my housemates closer together than anything else would have because we didn't leave each other's sides for a whole week. It also had its own theme song, Yes and Amen by Housefires, because for some reason, I heard it every other week for those entire five months. It really added to the whole "God is good? But life sucks?" thing happening in my brain. I have learned how much I love my many homes and my many families, and how thankful I am for each of them. My FCA family, my hobbits, my actual biological family: I love you all more than I could ever hope to express. Black Mountain YMCA Center (rip UNCW), Chapel Hill: I love you. I even finally learned to love the Outer Banks, who EVER would've thought that would happen? So, there we go. A lot happened in these seven years. I know a lot is going to happen in the next ten. But how do we deal with that? One day after another until it's time for "What I Learned In My Twenties."
2 Comments
Renee Hemric
4/1/2019 02:46:37 pm
I love this Chloe! Thank you for sharing your heart.
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Chloe
4/1/2019 03:51:28 pm
Thank you Mrs. Hemric!
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AuthorI am a September baby, which may be the root of my love for fall. I love dark chocolate, popcorn, and I do actually like brussel sprouts. I'm the kind of person that listens to a Christmas song in September. (But only one. I don't want to ruin the ~magic~). Archives
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