I've been struggling a lot lately. (real talk: aren't we all?) I've been feeling inadequate, and unlovable, and just an overall sucky person. Wow. That got deep fast. The most annoying part of feeling that way is that it always comes right after feeling like I am on top of the world and nothing can stop me. If there is one thing that I have learned since coming to college, it is that Jesus is consistent when my emotions are not. (AKA all the time).
Lauren Daigle recently released a track from her new album, Look Up Child, that is exactly what I needed to hear. It's called 'You Say' and it is now one of my favorite songs of all time. The reason I like it so much is that each line in it sounds like it's specifically talking about me and things I'm constantly dealing with. Below, I want to spend a little bit of time digging into some of the lyrics, hopefully in a way that encourages you.
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
If you really think about it, it's very interesting that the devil always targets us in a way that makes us feel unworthy. That really shows how scared he is that we'll realize everything The Lord has for us to do for the Kingdom. Even though the devil can't get inside our heads, there are so many other ways he gets to us. Magazine cover models with perfect skin, the blogger who has 10,000 subscribers, the girl who's never had to worry about paying for school. He targets things that are important to us because he gets the way the human mind works.
You say I am loved, when I can't feel a thing
If you've dealt with spiritual apathy (which is where no matter how much you read the Bible or pray or stay in Christian community, you feel ~zilch~ spiritually) you know how frustrating it can be. It makes me so ANGRY because I feel like should be able to snap out of it. That's the catch ladies and gents, what the Bible says about us always trumps how we feel. The Bible says we are loved, no matter how much we feel like we shouldn't be. We need to live like it.
You say I am strong, when I think I am weak
I always want to be strong, courageous, and determined. And so often, I feel like I am failing miserably. However, in all of my failings, that is the space where the Holy Spirit propels me to be brave in situations that terrify me, or to keep persevering in situations where all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. That is when I can point to my actions and tell others that it wasn't me, but The Lord in me. How crazy, gracious, and beautiful is that?!
You say I am held, when I am falling short
It's pretty competitive to be a college student these days. It seems like everyone around me is doing amazing things -- getting great internships and careers, leading clubs, traveling across the world. Inadequacy definitely comes into focus in this part of my life, when I feel like I'm at a standstill. This is my favorite part about our faith. Our God is the only one who came down from Heaven to be with us, live in our world, and go through the same things we go through, instead of us having to try and scrape our way out of our messy lives and make our way to Him. He doesn't move on to the next person every time we fail to meet His standards, because He knows (as we all should) that it's impossible for us to meet His standards. THAT'S WHY HE DIED FOR US PEOPLE! So we can stop our striving and perfectionism and stress. Know that He's holding you, and He loves you better than any earthly father can even imagine. You can rest. Who wouldn't want that?
When I don't belong, You say I am yours
These are the things I have placed my identity in throughout my life: student, daughter, writer, FCA staff kid, beauty and fashion. All of these, without a doubt, either have failed me or will fail me. Constantly trying to live up to what you think you need to live up to is exhausting because we'll always think there's someone more intelligent, attractive, confident or likable than we are. When we feel awkward, out of place, or unwanted, that is when we have to make the conscious decision to believe that we are conquerors, we have purpose, we are beautiful, and that we are working towards something much greater than what is here on earth. That's what Jesus gave us when He died for us: an identity as a new creation. Stop living like you're still your old self. It's tough, but it's not impossible.
I am a September baby, which may be the root of my love for fall. I love dark chocolate, popcorn, and I do actually like brussel sprouts. I'm the kind of person that listens to a Christmas song in September. (But only one. I don't want to ruin the ~magic~).